Adventures of Chuck and Larry
By Gilbert Arenas a.k.a Agent Zero (Washington Wizards).
Property of Gilbertology
I have a little problem. His name is Nick Young and he has a sidekick named Dominic McGuire. Our two little rookies. There's always a rookie who comes in and challenges for the goofball of the year. Well Nick's already won that. By far. This is one of the funniest kids I've ever met. The problem isn't that he's funny, but that he challenges me in pranks.
For the past week, he's been getting a taste of what I'm about. I made him bring me some McDonald's, I wanted a chicken sandwich at like 12 o'clock at night when we were in Philly. I actually didn't want the sandwich, I just wanted him out of his room. I went into his hotel room and messed with all his stuff.
Then before that during the Philadelphia game I took the keys from his car and shipped them back to Washington D.C. so my friend could take his car. We're going to paint it pink and it's going to say "I Love Dominic" on it. You know, his little sidekick.
We've been going back and forth, but for some reason he doesn't get it. He likes to play. On Thursday we had an off day and he went in my locker and took my iPod and a pair of my shoes. So I went over his place and I gave him one chance and one chance only to give me back my iPod and shoes and he didn't act fast enough so I got him good. Him and Dominic. Both. So they start threatening me like, "You'll see what happens, you'll see what happens. We're going to the store right now."
They went to the store and got paint ball guns. They got the paint ball guns, the masks, the gear, everything.
So I was sitting in my house playing Halo and I'm looking at my surveillance camera and I see Dominic and Nick creep up to my property all decked out. They parked across the street and they're running towards my house wearing masks and helmets. They came around the side of the house, jumped the wall, and came in through the garage. But by the time they did all that, I already was out of the house and jumped the other wall. They were in the house looking for me and I was across the street flattening their tires so when they decided to leave they'd be on flats. They looked around the house and couldn't find me so they came outside and saw me across the street flattening their tires. I called my friend and had him come pick me up and take me back to the house.
When they left the house, they stole my daddy's toaster! I like making toast! So I told them, Since you don't want to give my toaster back, it's war. He wanted his stuff back, I wanted my stuff back so I told them that we were going to have a paintball shootout.
We all went to the store like Sports Authority and bought all these paintball guns, like eight or nine new ones (because I already had three), then we bought the CO 2 cartridges and like 12,000 paintballs and I even bought a couple paintball grenades.
We tried to make the teams fair.
It was Nick and Dominic and then Nick recruited last year's rookie, Andray Blatche. I thought Andray had enough of the pranks, but I guess he didn't. Andray brought his two friends, to make it five on their team.
My team was me, my friend John and three guys who were at my house hooking up stereo equipment.
So we finished buying everything and were in the store parking lot and Nick was mad that I had all the CO 2 so he started to take some of mine. I was like, "Put the CO 2 down or I'm going to shoot you with the paintball gun." But then he realizes I'm really going to shoot him with the paintball gun, and he puts it back. "You see what happens when you follow directions" But as I'm closing the trunk with the CO 2 in it, he takes some and tries to jump in Dominic's car. I said, "Dominic, do not close that door." Nick is screaming, "Close the door Dominic! Close the door!" So Dominic left the door open. I go to Nick, "You have three seconds to put the CO 2 back. One! Two!" He started to scramble to put it back and I got him anyway. I got him like six times. So he's laying in the car all mad saying, "I don't want to play no more."
So the war is still on.
I tell them that the shootout is planned for 12 o'clock midnight in my backyard because it's pure black back there. You can't see nothing. So I tell them, "12 o'clock, be in my backyard and we're going at it five on five."
We're putting all our stuff together at my place and they're putting their stuff together at their place but they are having trouble with it so I have my boy John and my other teammate Adam to go over to their place and have them help them fix their guns. And when John and Adam showed up at their place they tried to ambush them, thinking that I was going to come too. But I wasn't. So John and Adam had to run out of there.
So it's like 11:10 at night and all you here are paintball hitting the windows. POOM. POOM. POOM. POOM. POOM. They were already in the backyard. They showed up an hour early.
So we hurried up and put on all of our gear and snuck outside through some of the vents in the house.
And then we had a nice, good old paintball shootout in the dark.
They ran out of CO 2 pretty quick because my team had most of it so one of Andray's friends yells, "Aww, it's not fair!" and they started to bail and jumped back over the wall. But one the kids was a little too heavy. His name is Jamar. That's 'Dray's cousin. Jamar couldn't get over the wall because Jamar has been eating one too many Twinkies.
So Jamar got stuck in my yard with the five of us. We gave him the chance to walk out like a man, or cry like a girl. He did both. He cried like a little girl while he was walking and running while we were shooting paintballs at him. I told him, "Hey, come in the lion's den, you're bound to get hit."
They said that he got hit so many times that he had trouble putting his clothes on the next day.
We played for about an hour and a half. I haven't had that much fun in a long time. What people don't realize is that when you're in the NBA, you lose stuff like that. You're not in there with kids, you're in there with grown men that have families. By having these young kids on the team, it's fun for me because I get to have that childhood that I lost. I lost it when I came into the NBA when I got picked No. 31 because I was so determined to be the best that I didn't get to actually have fun having fun, if that makes sense.
That's the moral of the story: I had fun.